The Prison of the Heart

This is a poem that I wrote for a project in my high school junior year's Honors English class. We were supposed to imitate the style of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven." I thought I was quite successful in this endeavor! I wrote this poem in the heat of when I was trying to reconcile my sexuality with my religion and captures the intense emotions I felt during this period of my life. Enjoy!

The Prison of the Heart

1 In weak reflection in endless night, the blended shade of black and white;

2 Gray it is called for it’s neutral shade, but as I am it does not exist anymore--

3 For the heart’s prison, and the judgment did she die by torment,

4 And there she lies; in black white pallor do I secretly favor,

5 That in the heart she did choose the poison I cannot ignore;

6 Yet as it truly is black white, I still accused the Tormentor.



7 Lady Justice holds the scale before her eyes, with the poison on black, and the water on white;

8 Her eyes stare forward with base benevolence towards she that accompanies evermore,

9 Overshadowing the blank cell with her God-given wings of authority.

10 And she lies in the prison of the Impersonator,

11 With the black white choice of the Liberator--

12 But outside the prison, the very reason, lies the Tormentor.



13 The lady, not of Justice, but captivity--

14 With deep blue eyes and auburn hair she lay there on the floor;

15 Her eyes, so bright they were before, like crisp clean ice on a winter day,

16 Her eyes, her eyes, where was the light before now is black and always will be forevermore!

17 How could she drink the poison before and fallen on the floor?

18 Alas, the Tormentor, the Tormentor!



19 This prison with it’s iron bars was unusually crafted,

20 For the lock itself was on the inside of the door!

21 The key in the hands of the prisoner, for it was a voluntary prison;

22 Ingeniously devised, this was the plan of the Impersonator,

23 To induce a self-made torture of the captor,

24 And placed outside the door was the Tormentor.



25 His last cruel idea was Lady Justice with her morbid scale,

26 The poison or water meant for the confessor,

27 The vial of poison the size of a thumb, the golden pitcher of water delicious to the tongue.

28 A strange power holds the scale balanced and moves no more,

29 And of this terrible idea do I abhor,

30 That in a sense, the Impersonator is the Tormentor.


31 Reasons of love was the reason she went, Forbidden and strong was the love therein;

32 In secret, that is who lies outside the door, her lover is also the Tormentor.

33 Because of the bars and the empty space, she constantly heard his words and saw his face,

34 Oh, how he enticed her, but his enticings were that of a suitor,

35 Yet, the guilt she held hurt her like a razor,

36 And this was how he was her Tormentor.



37 He never left, he was always there, wanting with her his life to share,

38 The tears her eyes drew to her lids ashore,

39 She grew quite parched and looked towards the scale,

40 And realized this torture in her hands could be o’er,

41 That thought she could not keep nevermore,

42 She knew, somehow, it was the plan of the Tormentor.


43 But she drank of the water, feeling the smooth golden pitcher,

44 And tasting the white sweet water therein to savor,

45 Her thirst was quenched, but her ears were dry with the sounds of his lies,

46 To her soul no more, for it was sold to the Impersonator,

47 Signed by her own blood was she the captor,

48 Unfortunate was she the victim of the Tormentor.



49 Frantic was her pleas and now she couldn’t bear,

50 How he laughed at her pain and madness he did adore,

51 Her cursed wails, screams, and tears of frustration, of which he didn’t listen,

52 She threw the golden pitcher with violent vigor,

53 Hoping to silence his words and be done for,

54 Of course, this only strengthened the Tormentor.



55 Now she was done with this terrible torture,

56 But she couldn’t bring herself to go outside the prison door,

57 A much clearer end was there for her to ensure.

58 She stood and walked with unneeded terror,

59 Towards Lady Justice, her eyes full of valor,

60 For this man was no longer the Tormentor.



61 She reached her hand out, trembling with unfearful anticipation,

62 That after partaking of the poison she would be no more,

63 That the man’s pleading would end and he would suffer like her.

64 She unstoppered the black poison and consumed it as liquor,

65 Now the black white state of death consumed evermore,

66 For the tormented was now the Tormentor.



67 And this was the pains of my soul, for she died in my sake,

68 The pure white life that she held in her eyes no more,

69 For she entered into black white death on her own,

70 It is black white for it’s terrible dishonor,

71 And also for it’s unreasonably good savor,

72 For that, no power is in the Tormentor.



73 Ever in the prison of my heart she lies dead,

74 For the secrets I hold and attempt to ignore;

75 But attempt is what it is, for it will always be there,

76 As if a sin against God himself I wish to restore,

77 For I cannot try to be my own liberator,

78 Because me, myself, and I are my own Tormentor.



79 I wish as I could to revive her again,

80 For she was the one who kept me in my splendor,

81 That beautiful woman in the prison of my heart,

82 For I am not gray, but a black white horror,

83 Measured by man by the death of the captor,

84 For now I do wish I was not the Tormentor.



85 Now I contemplate on this endless night, my own Lady Justice, black and white;

86 For now I am as the woman in my heart, the captor.

87 The choice is the white water, and the black poison,

88 Yet, this idea is not that like honor,

89 Disgust, and will cause the people to rumor,

90 For this decision it is I, the Tormentor.



91 I reach, trembling, and knock over the golden pitcher,

92 Shocked, the decision is easier, I also will consume the black poison as liquor.

93 I listen to the rain outside my window patter-patter,

94 Frozen I am, where is this Impersonator?

95 I laugh, “What a silly idea, you cause me to have terror,

96 For it is not you, because I am the Tormentor!”



97 I felt the sensation of madness for once, and I welcomed it in abundance.

98 I snatched the black poison and ripped off the cork with vigor,

99 I drowned in it, with the feeling so savorable,

100 And now I drank to live on nevermore,

101 So I may reach the sands of Hell’s pebbled shore,

102 For it will accept I, the Tormentor!



103 I, the mad man, impulsively drank the black poison,

104 The black white death did not consume, it did not restore,

105 What wasn’t there, there was only the black, even that I lack,

106 Now I know there was never an Impersonator,

107 Now I know there was never a Captor,

108 There was only me, I, the Tormentor

Only Black and White: High School

I think this post is important for any high schooler to see because even though this may be my story, every high schooler has struggles just like this that every high schooler faces, but nobody sees. High school is all about masks and personas, what we want people to see. And that is in no way a healthy behavior. Here's my list of advice to any high schooler:



1) Just be yourself (or discover yourself). People will love you regardless of who you are. And if they don't, they're not the ones that are deserving of your love.

2) Life ALWAYS goes on! You may think that you made a mistake, or you may get embarassed, but life wont stop. And I think you'll find that life is directing you in paths you need to go, anyways.

3) "You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."- We Bought a Zoo

4) Going off of number 3, you know that girl or guy you like? Yeah, it doesn't hurt to tell them you like them. Don't wait two years.

5) Last of all, to tie it all together, you never know if you don't try.



Now on to my high school stuff.

I remember my first day of high school was actually pretty lonely. I was in an unfamiliar school with unfamiliar people. I knew two people, but they were a couple and I was sort of the third wheel left to fend for myself. Half of the first term I ate lunch by myself because I was so shy back then, but that didn't matter, because I could start anew. I was on my school's dance company and the band and eventually joined a few other clubs and got a bit more involved in my high school and I knew that I was set to gain friends and become comfortable, but I was plagued with the fear that people would bully me incessantly like they did in elementary school and middle school. Fortunately that wasn't the case.

I remember the name of my first friend at this new high school. We met in our math class and  I started eating lunch with her friends who remain some of my best friends to this day. I remember this math class vividly because I had a huge crush on my teacher. It's no wonder I got straight A's and the highest test scores in the class. There was NO WAY I wasn't going to pay attention.

Now that I had established a friend group, I felt more established. Things were definitely looking up. I got a 4.0 for the first times in my life and then at the end of the first semester, I started to develop a crush on a guy in some of my classes and that kinda threw things for a loop. There was no way I was going to like this guy, so I was actually kind of rude because if I wasn't nice to him, obviously he wouldn't like me and I wouldn't like him anymore. That didn't work, because I still really wanted him attention and company, even though I hated that I wanted that. This kind of started to make these feelings a rising problem for me.

Then sometime in there, the October 2010 General Conference happened where Boyd K. Packer gave a talk that mentioned homosexuality and the LGBT community exploded over it. This caused a lot of confusion for me, so my anxiety grew and I decided to look for answers. I created a fake facebook account and joined discussions on a page called "I Support Boyd K. Packer" and met some very great people that were trying to lead me to gospel answers. I really respected their efforts, but their pointed efforts to lead me to reparative therapy led me thinking that there was something wrong with me and that I needed correction and I felt like I was even more of a mistake. So I decided to tell my first friend about my feelings towards men.

Let's call her Jessie (not her real name). I remember it was sometime that December while I was on my paper route that I texted her and told her I was gay. It was such a relief to me to finally get that off my chest and have someone know me for who I truly was.

I was apalled with the conversation that followed.

She told me she was very concerned for me and that these feelings I was experiencing weren't actually real and that I must be letting Satan control me for those thoughts to ever enter my mind. I tried so hard to explain that I didn't want to feel this way and that I was trying really hard to make them go away. My stomach dropped as I realized I had told the wrong first person. I didn't tell anyone else for almost two years.

The next two years were pretty uneventful, but I kept myself busy. I knew that if I was busy, I wouldn't have time to think too deeply about my feelings and the frustration and depression I was facing in life. It worked for a while, but summers were always hard because I didn't ever have that much to do but work. But finally, the summer after my junior year I decided I was going to start facing my attractions toward men. I turned to youtube and google to find blogs and people who were experiencing these feelings as gay mormons, and I found that there were a lot. A lot more than I realized and a lot more than should go unnoticed.

I heard their stories of confirmation, about how God loved them, and how they began to love themselves, so I thought that maybe I could ask God myself. After watching "Prayers for Bobby" on youtube I decided to get on my knees and ask him if it was okay that I was gay. The overwhelming sensation of the Spirit told me that God loved me and I had a lot of personal revelation for myself that I will never forget.

God loved me no matter what.