How the CES Letter Strengthened My Testimony

For the past month or so I have been on an intense search for truth in regards to the validity of the LDS faith and its claim that it is the one and only true church. This search brought me to start researching in depth church history and I happened to stumble upon an anti-Mormon piece of literature commonly referred to as the CES Letter. Anti-Mormon literature generally doesn't bother me, but surprisingly, after reading this, my testimony came crashing down own me. It was devastating.




After reading the CES Letter, I tried desperately to research articles, journals, documentaries, etc... that supported the translations of the Book of Abraham and the Book of Mormon, I tried to find explanations for Polyandry, The First Vision accounts, and several other issues that the document addresses. I found nothing. In fact, I found a lot of things that supported the CES Letter and little to none to support the church. How could this be? How could the church that I once found to be true be seem to be so unmistakably false? How did that affect how I believed in God? Would I ever be the same after reading this? Is my life going to change forever?


After two months of crushing doubt and confusion, a thought finally shot through my head. Not just any thought though, it was like somebody else injected the thought into my head, because it didn't correlate with how my brain tends to process thought. For that reason, I concluded that it was a distinct prompting, a cryptic message from God, someone that I don't hear talk to me very much.


"By their fruits ye shall know [if they are true]." Matthew 7:20.


At first I thought, "What does that even mean?" And I was frustrated because that prompting seemed so clear, but it was so cryptic. Over time it started to make more sense as I looked around at my family and fellow peers who live and love the gospel. You can see a light in their eyes. For the most part they lead their lives in a way that is firm in morals and has little to no regret. These are the fruits of them living the gospel. Not only this, but the foundational church principles and doctrines are to love our neighbor, love God, and to serve whenever we can. These fruits are good and they lead people to do good things. Those things are eternal truths.


Though I believe that organized religion is inherently flawed and selfish in the sense that it pretty much bribes its followers with salvation if they are good... is that actually a bad thing? Sure there are going to be people who are always going to do good regardless, but religion provides a way for more people to do good,  more people to have a purpose, and more people to have genuine concern for mankind. Is organized religion inherently bad for doing that? No. Absolutely not. But do you have to have organized religion to be a good person? No. Absolutely not.


That being said, members are imperfect. Our leaders are imperfect. They are going to make imperfect decisions. In church history there are many many examples of our leaders and members making terrible mistakes that impacted the lives of people for generations, even to the present day. These are hard things to deal with even for myself. But do the mistakes and untruths completely invalidate the truths and right decisions that the church possesses? I don't believe so. The church still teaches to love God, to love our neighbor, and to serve others. Those are eternally and unequivocally true.


So what does all this have to do with the CES Letter strengthening my testimony? Despite all the bad, mistakes, and untruths in the church, I believe that the good outweighs the bad. The truths outweighs the untruths. The fruits of the gospel that I have seen are good and continue to be good.


I can't necessarily say that I believe that the LDS church is the one and only true church. That is not the basis of my testimony, and my testimony in that sense has not been strengthened. But my testimony in God has strengthened substantially because he loved me enough that even through my doubt and confusion, he was a voice a reason. A beacon of light in the darkness. My testimony in the principles of loving my neighbor, serving others, and prayer have been strengthened because those are eternal truths that I can rely on that will always be true. There are many things that have been brought to question about my testimony that I still am searching for answers, but because of my strengthened testimony in God, I know that answers will come. And I know that because He answers my prayers.

I Understand You, Tyler Glenn

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been sort of inactive on social media due to a smorgasbord of personal issues, one of those being the biggest faith crisis I have ever experienced. After the policy change and Elder Bednar's remarks on homosexuality in the church, I haven't really been the same.


About a month ago (just before I stopped attending church) was when my emotions started to reach a climax. My mental health was completely off-kilter. I would vacillate from being happy, to debilitatingly depressed, to peaceful, to angry, and then even to a state of psychosis. Thoughts of suicide ravaged my brain because all I could think was, "Well, if I stay in the church, I'll feel guilty for pursuing relationships in men. If I leave, I'll feel guilty about not living God's standards. If I stay and not date men I'll forever be alone and without a companion. What's the point? If I die, I'll finally feel the happiness that God promises us. I'll no longer have this pain of living."


In one of these bouts of emotional stress I wrote a poem in reaction to the hymn "Be Still my Soul" as I was searching fruitlessly for comfort:

My soul isn't still.
The hour is hastening on,
When fire and brimstone
Will consume my flesh at last.

Disappointment, grief, and fear,
Sorrows are there.
Love's purest joys are lost.

My soul isn't still.
When change and tears are past,
I'll be long gone,
Cursed, forgotten, and lost.

My soul isn't still.
God guides the future as he has the past,
His servants receiving salvation,
While butchering His black sheep.

My soul isn't still.
But my Brother and friend understands,
I hope He will
Lead me to joy in the end.


As I read it now that my emotions have settled and I'm much healthier, I realize how distorted my perception of reality became. Though this may not seem very morbid or even necessarily that angry, it was and is for me. But I love it because it's my raw emotion.


For this reason, my taste of suicidal, bitter anger, I understand the feelings that Tyler Glenn displays in his new music video "Trash"(I will post a link below). The Mormon community has been up in arms about the disrespect and anger that he displays in that video, which I personally agree with. It was disrespectful and angry. But wasn't that exactly what he was going for?

I think that because Tyler Glenn is a celebrity, there is a disconnect to reality that the audience (Mormons) feels. The audience (Mormons) feel that it's disrespectful and angry, but they don't realize the raw emotion and the humanity of it until they hear these same angry emotions from a person they really know. A friend. A person that used to sit next to you in class. Someone you would run into on the street and recognize. I've felt those emotions that Tyler Glenn shows. Imagine how hurt he is to feel so angry. That is a very real feeling. And many LGBTQ Mormons feel that. Many feel so desperate emotionally that they have to lash out because they hurt so bad.


For this reason, I don't blame Tyler Glenn or think any less of him because of  the video. I've felt that same thing, and because of that, I am no better or worse than he is. I hope that we all can search for a greater sense of empathy towards him and other LGBTQ people that feel the same emotions. We are a community of people that are hurting right now. And we need love now even more than before.


Tyler Glenn's "Trash": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNqnLdX4TM8

Affirmation and Priesthood Leader Russian Roulette

So, a lot has happened in the past month. I've moved out of my parents' home in Bountiful, UT and am currently living in Millcreek, UT to be closer to work and school. It's really great because my tank of gas now lasts two weeks instead of one. I love the new place that I'm living in too. It's a 3 floor townhome with 4 other guys and I have my own room for $260 a month + utilities. A screaming deal! Especially because my room is huge and I virtually never see my roommates (not that my roommates are bad. They're great. But it's good to have some room to breathe too). It's almost like I have my own house. It's incredible.

I also went to the Affirmation Conference for the very first time on Sept. 19-20. I was really nervous to go because I wasn't sure what to expect at this conference, but it ended up being one of the most spiritual two days of my life. I heard a transgender woman, a gay man, a lesbian lawyer, a lesbian woman in a mixed orientation marriage, and a father of a gay Mormon speak. It was such a variety of speakers, but they all had very important perspectives to give. When they spoke, their words brought me peace and comfort. Everyone at this conference (a good solid 300 people) has been touched by LGBT issues in the church, and they all understood and could empathize with me. We were all able to empathize and understand the speakers. What a beautiful place to be. There was also a super fancy dinner and then cheesecake after the conference. There was also a dance and a lot of socializing. It was a fantastic and diverse experience.

Sunday morning was an even better session. There was a testimony meeting and that was incredible. There were people who hadn't borne their testimony in years because of church discipline that got up and bore beautiful witness to the church. I was moved to tears and got up and bore my testimony, myself. There was so much self-discovery for me at this conference. I finally got a glimpse at the idea that I was living life in a way that was good, and that was a beautiful feeling. After the testimony meeting, there was a super fancy lunch with salmon, wild rice, asparagus, and fruity cake. It was delicious.

The most important thing that I gained from this conference was a sense of community. As a gay Mormon, I have felt like I lived in a sort of limbo between the gay world and the Mormon world, not really fitting into either. But at this conference, I realized there was a place for me and there were at least 300 people that were a part of my community that shared empathy and experience like my own. What a blessing.

A result of this conference was a deeper questioning about what I want in this life. For the first time in my life I'm starting to face the reality that if I continue to date men, I will eventually be first disfellowshipped, then excommunicated if I don't have the desire to change my course of action. That being said, I don't know if I will change that course of action because of the love, peace, and comfort that I have felt while pursuing a more authentic lifestyle. But to be disfellowshipped/excommunicated from the church that I love so much is incredibly traumatizing to me.

So that's where I'm at.

Another point to bring up is that I just moved to a new ward. I had an amazing bishop when I was living with my parents. Not very many gay Mormons are blessed like I was to have a bishop that was so willing to emphasize the importance of embodying Christ and losing yourself in service when you come out to them. Moving brings a huge complication to the relationship between me and my Priesthood Leaders, because not every Priesthood Leader is as kind.

I have often heard of moving and getting a new bishop being described as Russian Roulette, and I agree. You can have a bishop that emphasizes Christ's love and service when you come out to them, or you can be excommunicated or disfellowshipped without them batting an eye. It's a scary road to walk, knowing that you could be on the brink of having your membership in the church ripped from your hands, and it makes me nervous to approach my bishop with the questions that I have and where I am at my life currently.

Fortunately I have reached out to many people who have offered me incredible advice and thought provoking discussions and I have come to an assurance of a few things:



1) No Priesthood Authority can dictate my relationship to God. They may be able to dictate my membership, but my relationship with God is purely personal. That will never change.

2) I can still have the influence of the Spirit in my life. Perhaps not the Gift of the Holy Ghost as is conferred in the baptismal covenants, but God doesn't abandon his children and leave them without guidance.

3) No matter what happens, I am a good person.

4) God wants the happiness of his children. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2: 27

5) I have seen by the fruit that my actions have borne, that my life is good and I have good things to come.



God loves all his children and he will not leave us hopeless. There is a plan for each and every one of us.

Put It On The Shelf and Just Hit The Ball

So before I start the story, I just want to say that my bishop is awesome. Earlier in the year I went to visit with him so that I could get a temple recommend and I was terrified because I was dating men and okay with that. Many bishops aren't okay with guys even holding hands, saying it's breaking the law of chastity.

Anyways, I confided in him that I was a gay Mormon and the immediate response he had was, "That sucks." To me this was a fantastic response, because it showed that he had some empathy! He then continued to say how he can't imagine how hard that must be for me as a member of the church, then he asked if I date guys. I told him yes and he told me that as long as I abide by lines, that I'm fine. Since there is no real set doctrine on what is right and what is wrong when it comes to homosexual behavior, I have kind of constructed the line to be, "If it makes my conscience feel bad, I have a loss of light, and a lack of the spirit, then I have crossed a line." He then not only gave me my temple recommend, but he extended me two callings that I still hold to this day. I like my bishop.

So back to the story I was going to tell you.

I have been going through a kind of spiritual lag for about a month now. Where I didn't read my scriptures with real intent, my prayers were spotty and insincere, my attendance to my church meetings were of mediocre effort... simply because I haven't felt happy and comfortable going to church lately. So I decided to set up a meeting with my bishop to discuss things. I sat down on one of the cushy chairs and he sat down on the cushy chair next to me, which is something I like. It makes him seem more human, instead of sitting in front of a desk, we were sitting on chairs next to each other conversing like friends.

We had the usual greetings and small talk exchange, and then quickly shifted the topic to the reason I was really there. I told him I felt unhappy in the church and I felt unhappy out of the church and I'm not sure what to do because of my attractions to men. He immediately validated my feelings and told me that I do experience some challenges that most men and women don't experience in the church and that my life holds a series of many complications in that sense. He then sat and pondered a little bit and told me a few simple things that I should do that would bring me more light into my life. I said, "Well, what do things things have to do with me figuring out what path is best for me to take to attain the greatest happiness I can?"

He got up from his chair and started to pace around his office, clearly deep in thought. The finally he stopped and asked, "Trevor, have you ever played golf before?"

I told him yes.

"Well," he said, "You stand there ready to swing. You can think about your posture, how far you're standing, if your swing is right, if you're aiming well, and stress about all those minor details. But I want you to just stand there and hit the ball. Just hit the ball."

I asked him what he meant.

"I mean that I can see that all of life's complications that has been worrying you is weighing you down," he walked over to me and pushed down on my shoulders, "Making you feel like this. And that's not how life should be lived. I want to see that light in yours eyes again. I'm not saying you need to forget your worries, but right now I want you to put them on a shelf. Those things you are concerned about are not things that you need to think of now or the near future. Right now I need you to concentrate on bringing more light into your life. Has dating men been distracting you?"

I said no.

He said, "Good," and then gave me a hug before I left his office.

I have never had a stronger testimony of the leadership of the church. My bishop is a good man.

The Prison of the Heart

This is a poem that I wrote for a project in my high school junior year's Honors English class. We were supposed to imitate the style of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven." I thought I was quite successful in this endeavor! I wrote this poem in the heat of when I was trying to reconcile my sexuality with my religion and captures the intense emotions I felt during this period of my life. Enjoy!

The Prison of the Heart

1 In weak reflection in endless night, the blended shade of black and white;

2 Gray it is called for it’s neutral shade, but as I am it does not exist anymore--

3 For the heart’s prison, and the judgment did she die by torment,

4 And there she lies; in black white pallor do I secretly favor,

5 That in the heart she did choose the poison I cannot ignore;

6 Yet as it truly is black white, I still accused the Tormentor.



7 Lady Justice holds the scale before her eyes, with the poison on black, and the water on white;

8 Her eyes stare forward with base benevolence towards she that accompanies evermore,

9 Overshadowing the blank cell with her God-given wings of authority.

10 And she lies in the prison of the Impersonator,

11 With the black white choice of the Liberator--

12 But outside the prison, the very reason, lies the Tormentor.



13 The lady, not of Justice, but captivity--

14 With deep blue eyes and auburn hair she lay there on the floor;

15 Her eyes, so bright they were before, like crisp clean ice on a winter day,

16 Her eyes, her eyes, where was the light before now is black and always will be forevermore!

17 How could she drink the poison before and fallen on the floor?

18 Alas, the Tormentor, the Tormentor!



19 This prison with it’s iron bars was unusually crafted,

20 For the lock itself was on the inside of the door!

21 The key in the hands of the prisoner, for it was a voluntary prison;

22 Ingeniously devised, this was the plan of the Impersonator,

23 To induce a self-made torture of the captor,

24 And placed outside the door was the Tormentor.



25 His last cruel idea was Lady Justice with her morbid scale,

26 The poison or water meant for the confessor,

27 The vial of poison the size of a thumb, the golden pitcher of water delicious to the tongue.

28 A strange power holds the scale balanced and moves no more,

29 And of this terrible idea do I abhor,

30 That in a sense, the Impersonator is the Tormentor.


31 Reasons of love was the reason she went, Forbidden and strong was the love therein;

32 In secret, that is who lies outside the door, her lover is also the Tormentor.

33 Because of the bars and the empty space, she constantly heard his words and saw his face,

34 Oh, how he enticed her, but his enticings were that of a suitor,

35 Yet, the guilt she held hurt her like a razor,

36 And this was how he was her Tormentor.



37 He never left, he was always there, wanting with her his life to share,

38 The tears her eyes drew to her lids ashore,

39 She grew quite parched and looked towards the scale,

40 And realized this torture in her hands could be o’er,

41 That thought she could not keep nevermore,

42 She knew, somehow, it was the plan of the Tormentor.


43 But she drank of the water, feeling the smooth golden pitcher,

44 And tasting the white sweet water therein to savor,

45 Her thirst was quenched, but her ears were dry with the sounds of his lies,

46 To her soul no more, for it was sold to the Impersonator,

47 Signed by her own blood was she the captor,

48 Unfortunate was she the victim of the Tormentor.



49 Frantic was her pleas and now she couldn’t bear,

50 How he laughed at her pain and madness he did adore,

51 Her cursed wails, screams, and tears of frustration, of which he didn’t listen,

52 She threw the golden pitcher with violent vigor,

53 Hoping to silence his words and be done for,

54 Of course, this only strengthened the Tormentor.



55 Now she was done with this terrible torture,

56 But she couldn’t bring herself to go outside the prison door,

57 A much clearer end was there for her to ensure.

58 She stood and walked with unneeded terror,

59 Towards Lady Justice, her eyes full of valor,

60 For this man was no longer the Tormentor.



61 She reached her hand out, trembling with unfearful anticipation,

62 That after partaking of the poison she would be no more,

63 That the man’s pleading would end and he would suffer like her.

64 She unstoppered the black poison and consumed it as liquor,

65 Now the black white state of death consumed evermore,

66 For the tormented was now the Tormentor.



67 And this was the pains of my soul, for she died in my sake,

68 The pure white life that she held in her eyes no more,

69 For she entered into black white death on her own,

70 It is black white for it’s terrible dishonor,

71 And also for it’s unreasonably good savor,

72 For that, no power is in the Tormentor.



73 Ever in the prison of my heart she lies dead,

74 For the secrets I hold and attempt to ignore;

75 But attempt is what it is, for it will always be there,

76 As if a sin against God himself I wish to restore,

77 For I cannot try to be my own liberator,

78 Because me, myself, and I are my own Tormentor.



79 I wish as I could to revive her again,

80 For she was the one who kept me in my splendor,

81 That beautiful woman in the prison of my heart,

82 For I am not gray, but a black white horror,

83 Measured by man by the death of the captor,

84 For now I do wish I was not the Tormentor.



85 Now I contemplate on this endless night, my own Lady Justice, black and white;

86 For now I am as the woman in my heart, the captor.

87 The choice is the white water, and the black poison,

88 Yet, this idea is not that like honor,

89 Disgust, and will cause the people to rumor,

90 For this decision it is I, the Tormentor.



91 I reach, trembling, and knock over the golden pitcher,

92 Shocked, the decision is easier, I also will consume the black poison as liquor.

93 I listen to the rain outside my window patter-patter,

94 Frozen I am, where is this Impersonator?

95 I laugh, “What a silly idea, you cause me to have terror,

96 For it is not you, because I am the Tormentor!”



97 I felt the sensation of madness for once, and I welcomed it in abundance.

98 I snatched the black poison and ripped off the cork with vigor,

99 I drowned in it, with the feeling so savorable,

100 And now I drank to live on nevermore,

101 So I may reach the sands of Hell’s pebbled shore,

102 For it will accept I, the Tormentor!



103 I, the mad man, impulsively drank the black poison,

104 The black white death did not consume, it did not restore,

105 What wasn’t there, there was only the black, even that I lack,

106 Now I know there was never an Impersonator,

107 Now I know there was never a Captor,

108 There was only me, I, the Tormentor